At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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