drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
