Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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