I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Damn victory sex feels great
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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