i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
