Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
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Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
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I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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