Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
