this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Randomize
