Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.