yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
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Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
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Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.