And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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