Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
