I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
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I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
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do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.