Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
