It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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