something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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