She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
