thus making me awesome and them whores
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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