my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
