I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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