Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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