I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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