Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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