I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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