dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
