My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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