my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
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Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
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You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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