is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
