need another drink. this is the easiest way
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You ruined the universe
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
