I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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