Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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