one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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