The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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