just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
