did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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