why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I am available for nakedness
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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