We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
