I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?