You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
