life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
