My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
