my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
