So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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