I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
