alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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