I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
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I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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