you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
