apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
