Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
3pm strippers are depressing
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
