im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
