we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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