Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
