Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
whose parrot is this?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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