youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just cut my nipple shaving
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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