you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
