I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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