Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
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He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
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New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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