Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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