nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
