Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
