I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
