Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
